Haven't done anything since I got home after the maths paper 7 hours ago. My brain is tired. And it died on me a little. I didn't tell anyone it died on me cause that might sound like a bloody excuse. But it isn't really an excuse. Because I tried. Well, in the short 3 hours in the freezing classroom.

My (personality) isn't a conducive environment for maths (haha, personality as an environment). Meaning, I don't think the phrase 'my (brain) isn't a conducive environment or wired for maths/any subject' is entirely true. (The words 'brain' and 'wired' makes it sound like nothing can be changed). If personalities can change, so can our 'abilities'. Maybe it's also got to do with the way we choose to pick up information.

I don't like using formulas to do things cause the answer I always get when I ask 'why', is that 'you don't have to know these, just apply the formula'. I can't memorise things because I refuse to remember anything unless I can understand the full picture, but the textbook only requires half the picture sometimes, etc. Too bad, I just can't do these subjects properly (at this point in time). But it's okay.

Maybe all subjects have the potential to be truly, absolutely beautiful. Even artists can love maths/physics, but it HAS to be taught in a way that suits the person's style of thinking, personality. Some people figure out that (certain) way to learn, on their own. Perhaps that's when they're 'naturally' good at that area/field/subject, or it matched their taste when they first got in touch with it. Or many other reasons which I have yet to discover.

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Feel like my brain/personality is not "naturally" shaped for this system (meaning, the A's) and it takes time for someone to change. It's not just about understanding the words you read (which is the part of studying that's so wonderful). There are the linear thoughts, structure, form of application.. and then my terrible tendencies to read too much into simple questions and confuse myself. But I just really hate to think this is impossible for me so.. I'm gonna read something after this.

Actually, I kind of like how it's making me slightly more clear and structured. (Shh, I said 'slightly'.) Don't mind going through this a bizillion times till I get it, and gain a new skill. Then I can choose to use the newly acquired structures or my messy thinking style (that comes in the form of pictures) as and when I like.

'writing helps you find yourself'. Nobody said it has to be 'good writing'. Should've written this earlier, all the wasted time before this.. (Note to self: rewatch sarah kay's speech soon)

Lastly, I kind of like how I don't know who the hell is reading and who is not. There's the freedom to say anything because there isn't a specific audience, while knowing at the same time that they're not entirely bottled up thoughts.

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